I’ve been looking at my life a little differently lately. Mostly, I’m trying to see myself from an outside perspective. This is something I think, or at least have thought, everyone should do often; it would maybe make us aware that we’re jerks, or naive, or too kind, or a bit of a hot mess at times. I’ve thought of myself as fairly self-aware, but as humans are prone to do, I seem to have forgotten that self-awareness is a state-of-being, not an activity.
I’m questioning a lot of things right now. There are certainties, of course: I love my wife, I love my kid, I am happy with all of the members of my family, et cetera. But what about the rest of it?
How is my sleep quality affecting my wakeful hours and decision-making capabilities?
Am I doing my job because I love it or because it was available?
Who am I meant to be, and am I on a track that’s even in the right direction of that beautiful city or hamlet in which I am meant to dwell?
What’s the destination right now? And with that, what’s the journey, then? Or do I journey just for journey’s sake?
Why do I do what I do? How involved do I want to be in other areas of my life?
I should pause here and point out my atmosphere: darling, I am sitting at the Joe ‘n Throw in Fairmont, WV, and it’s the first time I’ve sat down in a coffee house in at least four years. Four years, and even that’s stretching. And I guess that’s not entirely truthful because I grabbed a latte at the Dirty Bean in Buckhannon a few years ago while I was waiting for my dad to finish up his haircut at the local barbershop. Other than that, though, there’s a little coffee house in Marlinsburg, WV where the band hung out before a performance that evening at the theatre house. And before that was the Book ‘n Bean in Clarksburg, which went out of business in 2006, I think. So this is my third coffee house in 10 years, which points out how rare this is for me.
I use the phrase coffee house deliberately, as well; there is a difference between a coffee shop and a coffee house, and the proliferation of java-touting mermaid symbols does not a ‘house’ inspire.
That being said, I spent a few formative high school years in the Book ‘n Bean. Some of my best friends (who were old enough to drive) would come pick me up and we’d take a guitar out on the porch, drinking our dirty chai lattes, and sing worship songs until the fireflies dotted the humid air over the empty street downtown. A solid coffee house is an atmosphere that’s hard to recreate, and it feels like home to me.
So this soulspring of questions regarding who I am and what I’m doing and where I’m going and why I’m bothering to do any of it at all are just resonating here, and I mean here, specifically. They rattle around in my head constantly anyway, anywhere, but here, it’s as natural as the imported beans and hand-crafted mugs we drink their roasted juice from.
I don’t mean to be flowery in my word choices, either, but here it just comes out. I apologize; it must be annoying, but to me it’s inspirational and this is my site so bug off if it’s not your thing today.
I took a test today to explore an opportunity. Maybe where I am isn’t where I should be. But is that even the right door for the next road? It’s a month of existential crisis, it seems. I don’t know the answers, and I don’t know what’s next…
…but this is a great place to dwell on questions, and for that, I am grateful.